Is Fat Acceptance and Weight Loss Surgery at Odds? Can the Slimosphere and Fatosphere Share Space?

Big Fat Blog is an interesting place to visit. . . .

Shame on anyone for thinking that WLS patients or advocates are sizists. I will always be that fat woman.  Always. Unfortunately she was not working for me and I am a hell of a lot more content with a light body to carry around with my degenerative arthritis, Lupus, intermittent brain swelling and joints that are too flexible . . .but most of all I am happy to have lost the burden of shame and ridicule -most of which is disguised in everyday interaction. 

Unless you have a hidden camera or recording device you'll have no idea what they say about you behind your back! 

A few years back I sat on a committee where we interviewed applicant for a therapist position.  
Joyce was big, really big but by far she was the best choice- as fora as I was concerned.  The group met on a Sunday over breakfast while we went though the applications.  No one in the group knew me as the 300-pounder I once was or they wouldn't have said what they did that morning.

"Joyce obviously can't handle anyone with an eating disorder," giggled Sandy.  I knew Sandy did have an eating disorder, bulimia, one she kept hidden form our group but I smelled when she left the bathroom with puke on her breath.

"Oh my God, can you imagine going out to lunch with her," laughed Terry. I ate lunch with terry for years; she was a cheap bitch who never paid her share, ate of my plate and then had the nerve to sneak money from the tip.

As they went around the table I had time to search my purse for my business card, the one i use when i run weight groups.  I keep them on me, one side shows me at in underwear, topping the scales at 300+ and the other side half of me.  Under the pictures is the sentence: Which Woman Would You Hire as Your Therapist? 

I flipped the picture-card out, threw down a $20 and left.
Joyce was hired. The truth and the saddest fact is that FAT ME was just as good in every way as THIN ME.  I wasn't as big a woman as Joyce to shoulder what society dished out.

I admire all of you for holding up that banner some of us couldn't.

By-the-way, I left the practice and so did Joyce.  We remain wonderful friends.    

Psychology, Your Dieting and Your Fat

Yesterday I had a call from a mental health worker. I was sure she was no more than 25, just out of diapers, near-emaciated and no issue worse than an ingrown hair from her bikini wax.  

“Do you recall Roberta SOandSo? I’m reviewing her obesity history and I know she saw you a year ago and I still don’t have a clear idea about how she became obese.”

Roberta was in the process of securing her permissions for weight loss surgery. There always has to be a reason when you’re fat. It’s like being a drunk or addict—those psychologist’s need to turn you inside out to find the splinter in your fiber, shake you up and down to get the pebble in your sole; because you have to be fat for a reason. Rest assured if you are being interviewed by one of them, he or she will think they can pin-point the exact hour, time place and circumstance by spending weeks sorting through your personal history (at over a hundred dollars an hour). 

Other than overeating, psychology still doesn’t know why you are fat. I preferred to think that I had a normal appetite but was under-exercising. Had I run a marathon each week there would have been nothing wrong with my diet. Today psychology can only tell us that you have low self-esteem, low self-worth, more depression, emotional issues, less satisfying sex and relationships. But it’s the chicken and the egg problem and we don’t know what drives what.

The truth is no one can figure out why we overeat. If we could, we’d have a cure. We might be able to find some triggers, but no solid reasons. And there lies the biggest problem with treating obesity; we all took different paths. Over the years I’ve seen it all; clients whose parents forced them to clear their plates of friend chicken, potatoes smothered in margarine and then tackle of apple pie. I’ve had the closet-eaters who regarded food as precious as crack. My rule is and will always be: if you were obese as a child you have many more issues. But science and doctors don’t care how you got it, like the early Aids epidemic, whether blood transfusion or through sex—you still got it. 

Most of us got fat slowly. Roberta’s poundage crept up. Five children later, an extra seven or eight pounds each year for fifteen years. I calculated it to be equivalent to an extra scoop of ice-cream every day. For that atrocity her doctor sent her to the nutritionist and told her that he wouldn’t see her as a patient unless she lost 20% of her body weight. He told her to get psychotherapy for her food addiction. After that therapist delved into her life, linking pot-lucks with pot-bellies, I like to think I saved her—I don’t know about now.

Roberta had come up with a more believable reason she was fat. At least she did not admit to being sexually abused, in the midst of a divorce, or break-up—that might take you off the surgical table. No one cares if you have a face-list, body-makeover or nose job—but God forbid you have WLS to begin a new life.  

The child-social-worker wasn’t buying the extra scoop of ice-cream hypothesis. She was looking for more: the sexual abuse, rape, beating with a belt, divorce . . . yes, I recalled Roberta might have come from “divorce.”  

It’s so sad that I had to assist Roberta in coming up to a more believable legend for her size.

Dieting, Rex Reed, Fat Acceptance, Obesity, Women and Melissa McCarthy: The skinny on the Fat

I love Melissa McCarthy. So does my husband. NEVER  did her size summon anything negative. In fact I think he has the hots for her!      

Melissa McCarthy's "Identity Thief" opened to record numbers making it one of the best attended debuts of a comedy in all time.  But Rex Reed, a curmudgeon of a man, did not just bash her movie—instead he called her a female hippo, obese, tractor sized and "comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success."

Have you ever sen this man?  Google his name.  He ain't no lightweight.  RUTHLESS REX came out of his closet, one he knows well, to steal her moment. But "Rex, the shoplifter Reed," knows all about stealing. (Rex Reed blames his arrest on fever of forgetfulness", USA Today, February 17, 2000.)  He called it a lapse Did he also forget where his ass had been?  I'm sure it's been in a lot more compromising places than this woman a larger-than-life Melissa has been. 

Then again I ask what other corpulent male actors have he done this deed to- I mean the bashing. Did he ever think about vilifying Hitchcock, Dom, DeLuise, Jack Black, Orson Wells or NATHAN LANE for their girth? 

He wrote, 

"The snafus in the worst road movie since The Guilt Trip plunge Mr. Bateman and his female hippo into a motel with only a double bed, a grotesque sex scene with a pickled reprobate she picks up in a bar who demands a threesome, a violent bar fight that bloodies his nose, a kidnapping, a multi-car collision going the wrong way on the freeway … but why go on? They seem to be making it up as they go along, in a movie that threatens never to end. . . Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success. . .  Poor Jason Bateman. How did an actor so charming, talented, attractive and versatile get stuck in so much dreck? From

 http://observer.com/2013/02/declined-in-identity-thief-batemans-bankable-billing-cant-lift-this-flick-out-of-the-red/

Rex, are you jealous?  

Cacophonous, you also called her.

ca·coph·o·nous  [kuh-kof-uh-nuhs]  adjective

Having a harsh or discordant sound.  

 That's what YOUR words summon.  They assaulted my ears just as much as fag, drunkard, junkie, or shit-packer might.  I raised five children and the're all better behaved than you.  Is this your regular paradigm for treating a bad movie review?  Insult the qualities, attributes or the personal-self of the actors?  What if the actor was an alcoholic or drug addict? How about gay? 

Well, Mr. Reed, this is some kind of strange (I could have used another word and given you a taste of your own medicine) bias you've shown.  Slam the movie, but debasing the actress for her appearance?  It seems like you've been stuck in a lot of dreck (Shit in Yiddish) yourself.  You should know better.

Then you used the constitution to fortify your dreck-filled mouth.  YOU of all people!  And I'm not talking about the oppressed group of idiots and shoplifters.  Just take you old ass to the boonies and see how much of those farm boys and cow hands would take kindly to you.  Truth is—my skinny ass would be right at your side. 

"Saying that his jerky comments are "constitutionally protected, so there's nothing anybody can do," Reed dragged out a conspiracy theory claiming that Universal Pictures was using his review to leverage moviegoers to buy tickets."

http://blogs.indiewire.com/theplaylist/rex-reed-says-melissa-mccarthy-bases-career-on-being-obnoxious-and-fat-invokes-constitution-for-his-right-to-be-a-jerk-20130211

On Twitter, Paul Feig, who directed McCarthy in Bridesmaids and The Heat, wrote, "I cordially invite Mr. Rex Reed to go fuck himself." (From Wikipedia  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Reed )

I think your miserable self has been doing that- for a long time.

Rex Reed is a figment in his own imagination. 

I just asked my husband to read this.  "Yeah, I love funny women.  Maybe Melissa might get a chance with me. . ."  

Fat-hate is destructive and what was said not only targeted this actress, it hit all of us who battle those attitudes and stereotypes. e 

Lap Band and Gastric Bypass: Is it so terrible?

I had a reality check last night. It came from a literary agent.  I'm trying to get representation for my book FAT CHANCE :

I read your query letter and I see lots that's thought-provoking in your presentation. Unfortunately, there are two detractors against your desire to obtain a book deal.

One problem is that weight loss surgery is still viewed with suspicion by the obese, as well as many physicians, who prefer not to restrict the food entering the stomach by such radical means. The recidivism rate is also daunting, as well as the fact that there have been victims of the surgery who have lost their lives.

I thank her because she reminded me that the world sees WLS as a problem.  Despite endorsement  by every major medical group, and most insurance companies, despite the successes, the public is still fed the shitty media hype out there.

The public wants to see us Carnie or Roker up.  

"Has she gained any of her weight back," my nasty cousin asked my daughter. 

I called her and asked her if she had gained any weight since I saw her last!  

You won't get on the JOY FIT CLUB if you have cheated willpower.  I recall watching that emaciated so-called expert actually say something like this to a woman who lost over 100 pounds . . .  "AND YOU DID IT WITHOUT TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT - SURGERY."

I'm sure the producer screamed in her ear.  She lost all my respect.  I don't degrade the people who work to lose a hundred pounds!  I was one of them and I gained back every bit.  Three times, just like 96% of them will.  That is the statistic.  

I thank that agent, she gave me great advice.  Now we have to share the word about this surgery--we are vilified- like we made a pact with the devil.  

Fat acceptance move over.  We are damned if we do and damned if we don't!  

Myths of Dieting, Weigh-loss that Undermine Efforts

A profound study was just published in the New England Journal of Medicine.  Profound in that it exposes some myths that are entrenched in our food-thinking.  

“In my view,” said Dr. Jeffrey M. Friedman, a Rockefeller University obesity researcher, “there is more misinformation pretending to be fact in this field than in any other I can think of. (NY TIMES, Many Weight-Loss Ideas Are Myth, Not Science, Study Finds. 01/31/2013). ”

We operate using a “reasonableness bias” – If something sounds reasonable we buy into it.  It does seem reasonable that if you weigh yourself every day it might help control your weight.  Right?  Wrong!  Personally the scale confounds me.  I don't touch it.  If my non-stretch jeans feel a little tight, I watch myself.  It might also seem reasonable that if people urge you on it can help you lose weight.  Not so.  The worst that you can do for someone battling weight is to nag.  I have a friend who watches me weight like she'd panning for gold.  When six months of prednisone (notorious for putting on weight) bloated me up some fifteen pounds, up to a size 10, (I'm 5' 7"), I stopped seeing her.  Frustration with weight is another issue that is cloudy. 

It might seem that if you get frustrated you will drop off the weight loss wagon.  Again, that is not necessarily true.  Some people thrive, are motivated when they are frustrated.  It heightens the importance of the goal. 

It might seem reasonable that setting small goals might help more than setting large goals.  Not necessarily true.  Some individuals like the challenge of life-changing weight loss.  That's one of the appeals of WLS.  

The article points out that Weight Loss Surgery may be the best option for some of us.

In my opinion the greatest problem we face is self-loathing.  It gets in the way of rationality, deflates self-worth and sets us up for failure because we think we doomed.  Enjoy the article link below! Dr. Dawn Hopper.

  http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/30/myths-of-weight-loss-are-plentiful-researcher-says/

We Like Our Friends Fat

We like our fat friends but we like our friends fat. Women seem to enjoy the company of their fat friends.  It makes them feel better.  After all, thin is in and image and weight is a national obbsession. 

Kate Moss with two fat girls.  It's iconic. The last thing your skinny friends want is for you to be skinnier.  It might have to do with evolution.  A few hundred or thousand years ago they might have seen the skinny as ready to drop dead, but the tides of weight have turned.  It seems that women compete for men and since men like attractive THIN women, bigger women are the disadvantaged.  What better way for that thin woman to show off her beauty than be in the company of dullards and fatties. I was adored by my thin buddies.  Or so I thought.    

"Oh I'm sooo FAT," she croons as she slips into a size 6 and I'm lucky to fit into a 20 with stretch.  (That was 10 years back!) 

I know you've heard it.  They do it for a reason--everyone needs to know someone less fortunate than they are.  What I say?  Fight back.  There is a hen-pecking order and when women loose weight or look better, some of their so-called friends just can't accept it.  I lost 150 pounds. and never had plsatic surgery. 

When I became divalicious I lost a few of them.  There I was walking down the hallways where I worked in size 6 jeans, turtleneck and a hip belt.  I didn't shove it in their face.  I wore a tailored suit jacket and always was a LADY.  "You changed," said one work buddy.  Yes, but I was still the same person inside.  She could not adjust to the fact that I was attractive.   A few days later she took me to lunch and demanded I accept the Tira-mi-su for desert.  I refused and soon thereafter our 20 year friendship was done. 

 Where are you in this mix?  I'd like to know.  I slip into the size 6 now.  I am always the elegant lady (look below).   But I would NEVER think of rubbing that fact into anyone's face.

Kate moss with her fat friends

 

Lady like and having fun after losing 150 pounds 

 

What happened to that 300 pound woman they knew?  The one who ran from pictures? I don't know but this one is living!

Fat Shame and Fat Hate -Fact of the Week

Today I received an Email form a WLS buddy who was having a bad day.  Three years out and she went and ate carrot cake. Just a slice.  But she was so disappointed in herself.  I once ate an entire cake-in the car- and used the cardboard box as a shovel! 

When I was twice my size I have no doubt that my shame drove up my stress.  Every dieting failure, insult or look ramped up my cortisol levels and triggered an eating reaction.  That's what nature intended--our ancestors faced constant starvation and our bodies are wired to sooth stress with food.   Our fat cells became eager puppies, ready to sop up all those calories-and store them and to add insult to injury we got a big dose of Gherlin to stimulate more hunger.  While some of us no longer have to obsess about dieting failures we need to remember that everyday stress and feeling we might not be on track can also exacerbate stress.  How can we combat that bugger?  Give yourself a break,  Take a walk, exercise, smile, watch a funny movie, blog, and keep away from food cues.  Don't beat yourself up.  No one is perfect.  By the way don't you just hate prefect people?  I laughed at that piece of carrot cake and then i told her how I arrived to my mother-in-laws birthday-only I had to stop on the way and buy a crappy supermarket substitute. 
'What happened to the idea of the carrot cake," asked my daughter.
I tongued my lips to get rid of the last bit of evidence,
"The bakery ran out," I lied.  "Can you believe it?"

Have a laugh.  I love all of you. Please share your stories! 

dawnmhopper@gmail. 

Fat Chance

       On October 1st 2012, WKBT Anchor Jennifer Livingston received a victimizing email which accused her of making the “choice” of being obese and setting a bad example for the community's young people, girls in particular…” Her spirited response went viral on YouTube and is being covered by all the news networks.

            Hundreds of thousands opinions later show that the public is divided—is it really bullying to ask another human being to shape up and get healthy?  Is someone's size really our business?  As a once 300 pound psychologist I lived on the cutting edge of that razor—and there's no easy answer. 
            Distaste of the obese is a knee jerk reaction—deep and complex,  fat-hate is as resistant to disappearing as is that extra hundred pounds. Why? Because we believe weight is under our control. 

I disagree.  I once topped the scales at over 300 pounds.  This blog takes aim at society that fat-shames, fat-hates but realizes that Weight Loss Surgery might be our best option.